Truth and the Light
by KatieTaylor
Summary: Mulder leaves after finding his sister.


From: "just mac"

Subject: truth&light (1/1) Just Mac

Date sent: Sat, 10 Jan 1998 22:53:38 +0100

TITLE:The Truth and the Light

AUTHOR: Katie Taylor

EMAIL ADDRESS:

DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: anywhere!

SPOILER WARNING: Blessing Way/Paper Clip?

RATING: I'd say PG at most

CONTENT WARNING:MSR/A

CLASSIFICATION: S

SUMMARY: Mulder leaves after finding his sister.

DISCLAIMER: Fox Mulder, Dana & Melissa Scully & Co. unfortunately don't

belong to me :-( (well, they do in my delusions, but). They really belong

to CC, 1013, FOX, DD, GA, yadda yadda yadda. I ain't makin' no money, so

please don't sue me...Pretty please, w/ a cherry on top? Thank-you

kindly!! :-)

Author's note: this is my first piece of FF, or at least the first piece

remotely suitable for posting, so please be kind! But seriously, all

comments are welcome and even encouraged!! I don't know, do you think it's

a little mushy and slightly more unrealistic than most X-Files?

THE TRUTH AND THE LIGHT

by Katie Taylor

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

September 10, 1998

Dear Missy;

Even in death, you are still the only person I can talk to. Especially

now that Fox is gone . . .

Samantha Mulder's body was found not long ago & I attended the funeral with

Fox. I had to be there to help him through this. His mother wouldn't. We

stayed long after the others had left. He knelt in front of the small

grave for a long time. I knelt beside him & tried to comfort him. I held

him as he cried & apologized to her. I cried as well as I heard him blame

himself. I have tried so long to convince him it was not his fault.

Then, after a long silence, he told me that there was nothing left for him

here. There was no reason to stay in the X-Files because she was found, &

there was no reason to stay in the area because she would never come

looking for him. He told me he wanted to outrun his memories & guilt. He

thought if he went far enough away that he would eventually lose them.

I tried to convince him to stay. To look for the truth he would find in

the X-Files. Because I loved him. He acted like he didn't hear me, & he

refused & walked away. I called after him that I would wait for him

forever. I thought it would stop him, but it didn't.

That was a week ago, Missy, I don't know if I can live without him. Do you

think he will ever come back? God, I hope so. & Missy, I will wait for

him forever. There is no one I could possibly love more than him. I wish

I had told him how I felt earlier. Maybe things would have turned out

different.

Dana.

October 2, 1998

Dana;

There are things I need to tell you, so I am writings you this letter, but

I will never send it, so you can forget me & move on. I wish it were that

easy for me. I will write this letter & then put it with all other things

I have willed myself to forget, without success. As must as I try to get

you out of my head. I doubt I ever will.

The day of the funeral you were there for me, more than I could ever repay.

But you have always been there for me for everything. I only wish you

could say the same about me. I failed you so many times, & I am sorry for

that.

When I told you I was leaving you told me you loved me. It would never

work because we worked together. I would only hurt you. I am sure you

only said that because you knew how I feel about you & you thought it

would make me stay. But I would rather spend 10 lifetimes alone &

miserable without you than to hurt you. You see, one thing I didn't tell

you was that I hoped you would never love anyone like you said you loved

me, because I love you, too, Dana. More than I could ever express to you.

I love you & I want you to be happy & I know you could never truly be happy

with me., because no matter how much I love you, I can never truly be

happy.

Yours Forever,

Fox

January 30, 1999

Dear Missy;

Oh God, I miss him. I've taken some time off from the X-Files, because

it's getting too much for me. I've asked Skinner if he can get me a new

office. Every time I walk in there, all I can think about is him. I told

Skinner that it was because it was too big for just one person. I think he

knew I was lying. That copy room is hardly big enough for one person. My

leave is almost up, & I'll have to go back to work on Monday.

I didn't think I could possibly miss him this much, but I don't know what

I'll die if he doesn't come home soon. I don't know why I even think he

will. He never said he would. But I hope he does come back soon.

I haven't even heard form him since he left, & I don't know where he is.

Dana.

February 14, 1999

Dana;

It's Valentine's Day and I'm not with you. This day never held much

meaning for me, until I met you. You can't know how hard it was for me to

leave you alone at that graveyard, as I walked away from you forever. But

know this-I'm still with you. As much as I try, it's so hard to get you

off of my mind. Sometimes I call your apartment when you're at work just

to hear your voice on your answering machine.

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision. My memories haven't left,

me my guilt is still with me & I don't have you. I haven't gained

anything, & I've lost everything. I've lost Samantha, I've lost any work

that meant anything to me. And I've lost you. If you really meant what

you said, perhaps we could have been happy together. Perhaps I could have

been happy.

Yours Forever,

Fox.

November 21, 2007

Dear Missy;

Today was Samantha's birthday. I went to the church & lit a candle for

her.

Fox. Skinner retired & I have taken his place.

It's finally starting to sink in Fox will never be coming back. I need

him & he's miles away & there's nothing I can don. I don't know where he

is or even if he's still alive. I want to hate hi for leaving me, but I

can't. I wonder where he is & I hope he is finally happy.

Pendrell is still getting after me. I think if he saw Fox now he would

kill him. He hates that Fox, as he put it, 'abandoned' me almost 10 years

ago, & I still won't go out with him, or anyone. No one could ever make me

as happy as Fox would. I promised I would wait for him, & I will.

I wish you were here, Missy. I wish you could help, by more than just

listening. I wish you were here because then I wouldn't be alone anymore.

Dana.

September 10, 2008

Dana;

It's been 10 years since I last saw you. You are all I think about. I

couldn't stay with you because you deserve someone who can be all you need.

I couldn't. I still can't. I have too much pain & guilt I would only

drag you down with me. Since I was young I've lived with this. I wish I

could break it for you. I would die for you but not be with you. A better

man never would have left you. I wish I could have been that man for you.

I can't possibly be with you with the knowledge that I could put you in

danger-or hurt you in other ways. If it wasn't for me you never would have

been assigned to the X-Files & never would have been faced wit all those

dangers. I am sorry for that.

It's killing me that I am not with you. Every second that goes by I have

to convince myself I made the right decision. I have to stop myself from

calling you to tell you I was wrong & can't live without you anymore. I

can never tell you that. You could be married & happy. I've often wanted

to check, but am always too scared to know the answer.

I wish there was a way to get you out of my mind. I' wish I could stop

loving you.

Always;

Fox.

August 7, 2009

Dear Missy;

it's been another year. I've engulfed myself in my work. The emptiness in

my heart seems to grow more each year. I'm at work now. I just couldn't

wait until I got home to talk to you. Agent Pendrell died a few weeks ago

in the line of duty. Walter & I have become good friends. He's helped me

a lot with this lately. It's good to finally have someone to really talk

to, but it's so much easier to talk to you. I haven't told him everything.

It's too hard, but I'm sure he figured it out long ago.

I still ache when I think of him; which is always. I wonder if he'd

finally happy. I don't mind if he never comes back , as long as he'd

finally happy. That's all I ever wanted for him & I wish I could have made

him happy.

But I still long for the day when . . .

Assistant Director Dana Scully looked up from her small journal, quickly

wiping her tears away before answering her secretary on the intercom.

"I'm sorry, Dana, but this man insisted he see you, he says you know him."

"Send him in, Ann," she said, closing the book. She stood to greet the

impending visitor, but fell back to her seat when the door opened.

"Fox?" The man smiled.

"It's 'Mulder', remember?"

Just Mac


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